.::::.
::Had an... idea, after SynChiro's survey email. Here is a survey. Answer one or two questions in a comment, anonymously or not, I don't really care. (I copied this survey from the email minus a few questions that I felt inappropriate/stupid...so ignore number change). And hahahahaha, I really don't think anyone except maybe Alyssa knows number 3. But it'd be fun to see some crazy suggestions ;-)


SURVEY (Copied from SynChiro..)



2. Where did we meet?:

3. Take a stab at my middle name:

4. How long have you known me?:

5. How well do you know me (a lot, not so much, nothing)?:

14. Have you ever been jealous of me?

19. Am I shy or outgoing?

20.Would you say I’m funny HAHA or funny (sarcastic)?:

21. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?:

22. Would you consider me a friend?:

23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, snobby, or something else?:

24. Have you ever seen me cry?:

25. If there were one good nickname for me, what would it be?

AM I………. ?!?!?!?

31. Quiet or loud?

31. Short or Tall:

32.Weird or original:

33. Smart or stupid?

34. Boring or Fun?

35. Attractive or Unattractive?

DO YOU THINK I'M... (yes or no, if you wanna say something extra say it)

36.A psycho?

38.Athlethic?

39. A nerd?

43. Two-faced?

44. Obnoxious?

45. Immature?

46. Mature?

47. What do you think I’ll be as a profession??

48. A) Do you think I’ll get married?

B) If you do…Who do you think I’ll marry?

51. What song(if any)reminds you of me?

52. Do I remind you of any characters on TV?

53. If you could rename me, what would my name be?

54. Have you ever had a dream about me?

55. A feature that you like about me:

56. If you could give me anything, what would it be?

57. What charcteristics do you like about me?

61.Do you ever think about me off-line?

62. If we spent a day together…..where would we go and what would we do?

63. If you could describe me in one word, what would it be?

66. What word do I say all the time?

67. Is there anything you’d like to say to me?
::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/31/2004 11:10:00 PM:.

.::::.
::Feeling much better. Will be going to church soon, so must get ready- but it's nice to not be sick. :)::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/31/2004 04:56:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Blech. Despite all efforts to disinfect everything, I'm sick.
I'm online for a while because I was bored out of my mind half-awake in my room...
I can't go to the concert tonight which really isn't fun... I really wanted to go but I'm stuck at home now, feeling bad and wanting to do something... but I can't because of stupid sickness.
*sigh*
Well, if I'm no longer online, feel free to call- I'll still be pretty bored and very willing to talk.

Blech. I hate being sick.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/30/2004 04:30:00 PM:.
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.::::.
::A nice day, in general, I think. Decided to start another Quizilla frenzy, but after first answer I stopped to think.

Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. You're afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Do I never escape from this? Like I said, I have the generic speak-with-online, say-'Hi'-in-halls kind of friends, people I can sit with in the halls. People I can talk to sometimes when I'm feeling particularly honest but I don't know if they truly care.
Wow, that quiz result is true. So very, very true.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/29/2004 08:22:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Well... New Hampshire primaries are over. Like with the Iowa caucases, it is the only time someone actually cares about what happens in New Hampshire.
My brother is sick. Today I spent most of the day locked in my room, not wanting to touch anything he had touched. I know it seems so ridiculous, instead of avoiding him I should have been trying to help him. He felt miserable. I'm so terrified of being sick I can't even help him. I tried to but I went into panic mode whenever I got anywhere near him... HELP! GERMS! I'm going to get sick if I go too near!
I know.. it seems so ridiculous, spending so much time fearing something.

I'm pretty upset right now. It seems there are a lot of things pointing toward our leaving Charlotte. God...please... I don't want to. I really, really don't want to.
We don't know anything for sure at all, really.
We never do.
I'm not supposed to talk about it so I won't go into too many details.
I'm pretty upset over it though.

Tomorrow I will most likely be hiding out in my room again. I have disinfected a phone and am now keeping it in my room. Feel free to call.

I'm going to stop now. The more I type the more worried I'll become. It doesn't help to worry... right? So why am I?

I can't help it.

Goodnight, I think it may be time for me to go soak my pillow.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/27/2004 10:25:00 PM:.

.::::.
::Well, I'm taking a break from trying to concentrate on the Awakening MWDS. This thing is nearly impossible to concentrate on, specifically after hot chocolate and cookies.
We have another snow day tomorrow. I suppose this is a good thing. There's only a few bad things about that- one being that we have to make up the day later in the year, one that I have more time to feel bad about procrastinating on the MWDS, and the last being that...um... *cough* Never mind. It also kind of sucks to be stuck at home.
Gnimocemoh was fun. Can I say that too many times? The pictures on Andrew's blog are great. Very funny.
I'm in a pretty good mood even though it's 11.30 and I still have a lot to do on the Awakening MWDS. But that's okay. I mean, I still have tomorrow off to work on it.
Ahh... that's the motto of a true procrastinator. "But it's still thirteen hours before it's due..." Why am I a procrastinator? I work best under pressure, is true- something I've written as quickly as possible in very little time can get comments back from teachers- "Wonderful! You must have spent a lot of time on this!"- but procrastination is still a bad habit. And it can be that I not just work best under pressure, but work only under pressure. Unless it's writing done on my own time, with something I enjoy instead of a project that just seems to be a huge looming headline. For example, I really, really enjoyed the satiric newspaper assignment and finished writing long before the due date, though I ended up gluing it all together at about midnight before it was due. But the hard part was done. Besides, I had just spent all evening gluing together a collage of Just a Minute for a notebook cover, and that seemed so much more important at the time. And THAT is the curse of procrastination-ism. Not only that something doesn't seem that important, but in retrospect the things that seemed more important look pretty silly. Although I love my Just a Minute notebook.
But did I do better on my newspaper because I loved the notebook? Of course not. Will I do better on my Awakening MWDS having taken a break to blog? Of course not. And that's why procrastination is idiotic, stupid, and pointless.
I say all this as I'm blogging while a MWDS is waiting, open, for me to work on.
I say all this as I'm about to go upstairs and listen to Maria Arredondo while contemplating certain things, which I can contemplate a lot and I still won't do a single thing about it. But, I will anyway...
I say all this and it doesn't change in the slightest what I will actually do.
I suppose ranting is pointless.
But it makes me feel better.

You are a White fairy!


What color fairy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/27/2004 12:00:00 AM:.
...
.::::.
::Gnimocemoh was a complete blast. It was so much fun... it's great being so silly. I am just in a very good mood right now... Plus, I don't know that I should (or could, for that matter) attempt to explain the outrageous "Ross Dance" or any of the other weird dances. I have decided I really can't dance that well. Oh, well.
I also had that feeling of belonging, which I usually don't get at all during school. The thing I dislike most about school is when everyone else is talking before class, and when I say something I'm still not really in a conversation. But at Gnimocemoh... it was fun. Belonging. "Comfort zone".
I don't know that it will last, but right now I don't even care.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/24/2004 11:53:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Rehearsal cancelled. All in all, today was utterly insignificant in the long and bizarre tale that is my life. History was in a different classroom and Darcey gained this weird accent for a few words... "Ahh think its a mayyan becuhhhse.." There is no way to describe it unless you were there.
I also decided to go to Gnimocemoh. This may be interesting or may be uncomfortable. That's one thing about school events, or for that matter dances. I don't really want to dance at all. This is a warning to anyone that would ask me (hahaha, yeah right)- I will be acting completely out of place, go "Uh-um-wh-n-ye-no-crap-I-dont-know" at about a million words a second. It doesn't matter who it is. That's just how I am. So yeah... that won't work. However the point for me wouldn't be to dance. It would be to get to know people more and better... it would be a way to confirm to myself that yeah, I know and like people at Northwest, and they will be willing to say "hi" and be slightly social with me. Yay, that is a boost for insecurity. (Unless, of course, they aren't. But I don't want to go there.)
Insecurity is such a curse.
Self-consciousness is a curse.
I suppose it's all life, I can't escape the curse of humanity.
But one can wish...right?
::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/23/2004 11:05:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Nothing super-interesting today. I had to take the bus, and tomorrow I will have rehearsal, which will stretch my grand total of Time I Spend At School to 11 hours. Gahhh! Oh well. On Saturday is Gnimocemoh, which I may or may not go to, I'm still undecided. Dances aren't really my thing but it might be fun.

Tomorrow is A-Day, which means it's actually enjoyable, mostly. So I won't mind being there for so long.

Have you ever heard anyone talk about swinging around babies with their feet nailed to poles, while at the time not thinking it is sadistic and horrible, but rather hilarious? Thus is the mastery of Whiteside. He's got a brilliant command of the English language. Which, I suppose, is to be expected of an English teacher. Still...

While watching the Democratic debate tonight, I was pleasantly surprised to hear truth coming out of the mouth of a liberal... yes, Joe Lieberman I can stand. He has some conservative views and is not afraid to state them, and doesn't claim to stand for more liberal things, such as to leave Iraq, in order to gain votes. Go Lieberman for speaking his own thoughts. He's no fence-straddler Wesley Clark. (When you're sitting on a fence-post, the post has only one place to go...)

:sigh: I wish.... so much.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/22/2004 10:14:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Well I survived today, despite missing the bus the first time I'd ever have to take it in the morning, and having no ability to chew food. I didn't laugh about bustiers in English... thankfully... though I did find Whiteside's most interesting version of the Oedipal theory hilarious.

An area of comfort is a strange thing to find... it is very rarely that I find people I trust completely, or find places I feel I can say anything and have no criticism for my thoughts.
Yay for the city of Charlotte.
I like it here.

We can't move.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/21/2004 04:48:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Leather Bustier...

Oh, it would be hilarious if I had to explain that in public. Or at least if I tried. I wouldn't get past three words without laughing so hard I would be no longer understandable...

Poor Simon.

::giggle::::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/20/2004 07:29:00 PM:.

.::::.
::Well, I now have braces.
It feels kind of weird, but because of the Motrin, I don't feel it very much. However, I'm lisping just the slightest bit with a whistly sound on 'f', 'th', and occasionally 's'. "Faithfulness" is a killer word.

Some things are very nice. Starlit nights. Long walks. Postmidnight contemplations ;-).::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/20/2004 05:49:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::I'm going to post a very similar post to the one Liz has.
Yes, I'm in a great mood.
No, I don't know why.
Yes, I wish I did, so I could continue to be in a good mood.
No, I don't think it will last. Unfortunately.
Yes, Liz, Simon and I MUST meet up at Concord Mills again, because that may be where the whole mood originated.
I'm just in a gigglish mood.
Oh! I need to be brought back down to earth. Something serious should happen. But then again my head wouldn't be in the clouds, which is really nice. Even the slightly embarrassing incident at church, that is, I showed up for practice, but there was no singer practice tonight, which confused me, because the email said there was... That, which would normally make me inner-ly upset and quite mad at the world, though I did nothing wrong... even that could not puncture my good mood. Puncture it like a stiletto would puncture a water-filled bra cup.
(Note: You don't want to know the inside joke behind that.)
Tomorrow I'll have metal junk glued in my mouth and be quite miserable. But today, I won't let that bother me. I'll just be happy in the thought that... hey... I can be happy even when I know *certain* things aren't going in my favour. It's all a matter of perspective.

::Cough:: I am completely sure *ahem*certain things aren't going in my favour.

But it's all a matter of perspective.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/19/2004 10:16:00 PM:.

.::::.
::I'm in this weird possessed mood feeling like I'm going to explode, jump out of my skin, or like I could run for miles. I want to go on a nighttime walk. I want to lock myself in my room and turn up the music, so loud I feel it and it becomes my thoughts. To write and write until I am completely immersed in Enchantesia, in the mysterious character of Evan that I worked so, so hard for. I want to talk to every single one of my friends, and none of them. It's like I'm in this weird adrenaline rush where everything is heightened a hundred times more. Every single emotion.

Is this what it is like being a teenager?

I'm not an emotional person. Well, most of the time. Right now, maybe. It's not that I had an extremely eventful day. It's not because I have a big thing tomorrow... getting braces and all. And it's definitely not that it's.. ::cough:: that time of the month, because it's not. I have no idea while I'm like this. Not only that but I feel like being fully and completely honest, being truthful, confiding in someone. Which... I usually don't like to do or feel a want to do.

It's a weird mood.

I don't like it but I do like it. It's a bizarre feeling, like my whole body is on edge... waiting for something to happen.

I hope something does happen.

I know something will happen.

Confused, confiding and changing,
Arakatze::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/19/2004 08:02:00 PM:.

.::::.
::What is it about a little conversation and expensive coffee that makes a day so enjoyable? I'm in a good mood now. Hooray for me, I succeeded in celebrating my last braces-free day.

I hate saying the wrong thing... posting the wrong thing... IMing the wrong thing. I know its stupid the second it comes out of my mouth or I type it... and from that moment on I am really annoyed at myself. I know, know, KNOW it was something really stupid to say. I regret it. Not that it hurts people's feelings, no not that at all... it's more that I make myself vulnerable. And I'm fully regretting it.
::kicking self::
Idiot.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/19/2004 05:03:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Why is it that people who are so incredible think so little of themselves?
People with so much potential, so much going for them, and the complete lack of self-esteem sends them into this blundering sadness, a blinding depression thinking they have nothing. When they have everything.
Oh, yes, I'm talking about someone in particular... no, you don't know who you are...

Life is lonely, right now.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/18/2004 10:37:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::I don't want to say it or think it. And jealousy... oh, jealousy is not only the green-eyed monster, it's a wretched thing, that leads you to being perfectly miserable with yourself, with your self-esteem, with your self-worth. Enough so you want to be so far away from it all, because it isn't worth it, and yet, you are pressed to continue for no reason other than something, something draws you to it.
And then again, there's also the feeling of being alone, of being left out. You try what you can and present yourself in almost a vulnerable state, when you know you're alone and other people do too, on the inside, but seem to have no outward recognition of it. And it's so hard to break into a group or get to know people, well, when they have other friends they've known forever. That's one thing I hate about moving. Sure, it's fun to know more things and more people. But you're not going to find that, I've-known-you-forever-type friend. The type of friend you call when you're tired or bored who knows everything, can tell by anything you say how you feel. I've only been blessed with one friend who knows what I think before I do, almost... a for-life friend. Everyone else, everyone in Charlotte, its, Oh, you're nice, I like you, and then when it comes to doing something, I know I'm not on the top of anyone's list. What the hell. I shouldn't have to try to be friends. I don't want to work for friends... I want to be able to take friends for granted. Like EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO...
I am never going to take anyone for granted again. Ever.

I suppose I've learned to appreciate people. Kind gestures. Friendliness.
If only I had more of a chance to extend that.

And now I'm boo-hooing like some abject, torn, sitting-in-the-middle-of-grayness-sobbing, sorry for myself... the kind of person that bugs me. I'm not begging for anything. I'm not sitting at the computer thinking, Oh, poor me, I have no friends, waah. I'm just feeling a bit detached, from my life, and after careful consideration... it seems lonely.
I don't feel lonely.
But from an almost outsider point, it seems very lonely.
Loneliness. Outside of a kind gesture greeting or conversation or brief moment of fun..... loneliness.

::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/17/2004 11:21:00 PM:.

.::::.
::Writing is odd... I've just looked through yesterday's post. My honest, stream-of-consciousness ranty writing is SO different from every other sort of writing I do. When I write fiction, it's filled with more mysteriousness, emotion-ness, and humour. When I write an essay, I fill it with facts and proof and show why I'm right, and I sometimes add something funny to lighten it up. People tell me I'm a good writer. But when I'm doing this, its nothing like anything else I write. I don't think I do a good writing job. Not only am I not structuring sentences, and just rambling, but I am stumbling over my own thoughts and contradicting myself.

But it works... for here.

I was watching the most recent Democractic presidential candidates debate and the contradictoriness of it all drives me crazy. Not only that, but the absolute idiocy emitting from Dennis Kucinich's mouth makes me burst out laughing. I view the debates as a comedy programme. My dad said something that made me crack up about him and one of his 'plans' (this was after my dad sold some cds we had bought for about $75 about 6 years ago)..."It's all because of these tax cuts! If we had bought these CDs when he was president, we'd all have bigger ears!"

One needs not comment on Kucinich and the way he looks like a koala, especially noting the ears.

One also needs not comment on Kerry and the way he looks exactly like Guy Smiley. However, I will, because not only does it make me laugh every time I see him, but I wrote it in my satirical newspaper assignment and made Whiteside laugh at the board while we were working. Apparently I am the only one who noticed it at first. Which actually disturbs me, and brings me back to the point the next quote I have makes. "Half of American people have never read the newspaper. Half of American people have never voted for president. One hopes it's the same half."

I think I will end my very conservative, quote-filled entry with a conservative quote from that great treasury of conservative wisdom, Ann Coulter. Even if you do take offense to this, note the humour. It IS funny. "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9-11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/17/2004 03:54:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::I'm busy being confused by, baffled by, and completely avoiding thought and emotion. Sometimes I hate being a teenager. It makes no sense, all of it, no sense at all. Only Deanna, and possibly Alyssa, knows what I'm talking about, and I'm keeping it that way, however, it has to do with confusing, I-don't-want-it-CP-ness.

When your emotions are going haywire and you refuse to admit it to yourself, you end up in a tough position of wanting to scream and pull your hair out, or work quietly on something calm and peaceful-writing in a notebook. Working on Enchantesia. Talking to friends.

Although that is in a way where the... issue originated.

Just realised the 'issue' is starting to have real negative connotations in this context. It's not that way at all. Almost the opposite. Exactly the opposite. Nothing like the opposite.
To explain the whole thing on a blog would- first, open up the whole thing to someone who may know of this address that I don't know knows (not to mention who would critique my horrid use of grammer in that sentence), second, would open it up for discussion between people I've not decided should know the source of my confusion, and lastly, would be a source of criticism from people who think it's as ridiculous as I think it is.

On an entirely different note, I'm getting braces on Tuesday. The worst thing is, I'm starting to view it as a good thing. I know on Tuesday, I will be thinking exactly the opposite as I spend hours with my mouth wide open, getting small metal objects and wires attached to my teeth as my mouth slowly comes completely devoid of moisture. And, of course, I will be in pain. However, the sooner they are on, the sooner they are off. Maybe I will spend my senior year, in Germany, with braces, however, I will NOT have to still wear them by the time I'm in college, which would be not only a social issue, but also something that would make me seem so much younger.

It's 11, I really shouldn't be on the computer anyway, but for some reason I felt compelled to because I could. My laptop is still (auf Deutsch) kaputt, but I'm getting used to the less frequent, more public use of the family computer. I am not used to the hurricanish, thunderish sound the keyboard makes when I start typing at regular speed. One thing about being a fast typer that really, really bugs me is AIM. I start typing, sending random comments to a few random people, but I send them off so frequently that AIM runs out of those little annoying bars on the bottom and it will keep me from messaging anyone for a few short-but-forever, minutes.

And now it's time to go.

~Arakatze::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/16/2004 11:19:00 PM:.

.::::.
::It's been a while since I last posted..... ah, a quizzish frenzy. Interesting...
But first, a few comments about each one. First, I'm not sure whether I should be slightly queasified or somewhat pleased with the apple result. It's, well, not exactly me. About water, well, two years ago seeing that I would have thought it was against my personality, but now it actually seems to suit me. And of course, there's Nemo. Ooh, when I found a what-finding-nemo-character-are-you type quiz, I was very pleased. Because FINDING NEMO RULES!
Ok.. that's enough now. I'm not going to get started on Finding Nemo...


What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



You came from the water. Calm and shy, you know
what you want, but sometimes are afraid to
stand up for yourself.


Where did you come from?
brought to you by Quizilla


What Snack Food are You?
brought to you by Quizilla::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/16/2004 02:06:00 PM:.
...
.::::.
::Vacation, I find, is very boring. At least tomorrow I am doing something. Finally.
Right now I'm 'helping' Alyssa with 'psychic' advice, which really means I'm using logic to decide what is most likely going to happen, or randomly choose an answer. The scary thing is that I'm right most of the time. Alyssa also, yesterday, was trying to convince me that yes, I liked someone, who I do not actually like. The scary thing is how well we've kept up our friendship though I haven't seen her in six months. It's quite nice.
I had a weird, but very awesome dream last night. No, I am not sharing it online, as people might read it that I wouldn't want to read it, and no, I am not going to tell you if you ask me. Only if you are Alyssa. Who doesn't need to bother, as I've told her already. But it was nice. Possibly my subconscious -speaking- to me. Which is rather disturbing, if that is who my subconscious is pointing out as a good future CP. Though it makes sense... agh I'm just confusing myself.
Now I'm continuously refreshing my email. No reply.
Too bad.


::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/02/2004 04:16:00 PM:.
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.::::.
::Happy New Year. The ball dropped on Times Square, the hourly 'Happy New Year' has commenced across the global time zones, and it is 2004.
Happy New Year. It's a leap year, a year of possibilites. A year of Summer Olympics, a year of presidential elections. Hopefully, a year I leave for Germany.
Happy New Year. 2003 is over. Finally. Halfway through the school year. The end of last year. Time to start erasing 'O3 every time one has to write the date, and mistakenly writes 1/1/03. 2003 will slowly fade away, never to be seen again. Never to hold the possibilities it had before.
Happy New Year.
Now what?::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/01/2004 01:01:00 PM:.
...