.::::.
::
Starry.
You're a dreamer. You're very creative and
probably introverted. As a profession, you'd
probably make a great writer, musician or
artist. Your friends love you because you can
add a creative twist to every situation.


Your Wing Pattern Is:
brought to you by Quizilla::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/27/2004 11:54:00 PM:.

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::Snow.

I am keeping my mind away from a huge impending event in my life that I refuse to think of.

Took Alec to a movie today. He didn't want to see The Passion which my parents were going to see, so I took him to Catch This Kid. It was lacking in morals but wasn't horrible. I could sit through it without being frustrated.

Hey, if anyone wants to see The Passion on Friday March 5th, it's $5 and if you are positive you can come, leave me a comment and I'll buy a ticket for you this weekend, otherwise they'll probably be sold out. Please come?

Today is sort of boring and snow is different in NC than it is in MI.

The roads are perfectly clear. I'm bored. I want to do something this weekend other than church. *thinks hard*

This has been full of weird statements... I will go now.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/27/2004 05:46:00 PM:.
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::Liz's Dumbass Moment list is SO SPORKY! It's great! Though I did not witness most of the events... HAHAHA! They provide with most amusing visuals. (Click the blog link to the right if you're the Michigan friend or Australian friend that occasionally visit this blog, and you don't know Liz). Also, read the book Letters from a Nut by Ted Nancy, watch WLiiA UK eps and Eddie Izzard, and read any of Dennis Miller Rant books if you need a temporary alleviation from stress. All, all, all hilarious. Laughing helps.
That MWDS cloud has returned, but I've had my laughs.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/26/2004 07:31:00 PM:.

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::"Right now, I just need a break."... And the heavens opened, and the snow rushed down...
My brother and I left our house at the wonderful, cheerful time of 5.55 AM. We walked the 4 or 5 minutes it is to our bus stop, sat down, and began our wait for the bus, which could be anything from 2-15 minutes, which may not seem like much, but it certainly is when you're standing with a heavy backpack wearing reasonable clothes in 40 degree weather. After a couple minutes of waiting, some man paused while driving by to notify us that school was cancelled. We decided to wait a little longer, in case he was mistaken, and 10 minutes later a woman drove by and told us school was cancelled, so we decided to go home, and on the way I stopped to tell Alena, my sort-of friend who I haven't been able to talk to in quite some time due to the ridiculous demands of both of our schedules. We talked for a few minutes, then headed back to our respective houses to warm up and possibly return to bed. We returned home at approximately 6.30 AM, and went with my father to drop my mom off at work. I was able to recieve a tour of sorts of my mom's workplace, which I've never been to before so that was kind of nice, and my brother, dad, and I all went out to eat for breakfast. We were home before nine and my dad decreed that we should clean the house. Fun. So, I spent hours attempting, and failing, to organise my room, and cleaned the birdcage, ate lunch, cleaned the kitchen, and all in all by 2.00 PM I was very pissed, having wasted so much of a day doing so dreary activities...
I finally finished my cleaning around three and re-achieved access to my computer, so I could work on my MWDS. What kind of break is this, I wonder... at least I have a sickeningly clean room in which I don't know where anything is, and a small part of a to-be very long MWDS for Absalom. I still haven't read my APUSH book, which I really need to do as the book review is due Tuesday, and I'm still overstressed despite our snowday, maybe it even magnifies it since I still have a little more cleaning to do, and a lot more school work to do, and time to concentrate solely on it. Maybe this weekend I'll take a couple hours off of responsibilities and read, or go on a walk, or go sledding with my little brother, or something that won't make me worry/stress/tired... maybe tonight I'll watch shows like The Apprentice and Without A Trace that I usually don't get a chance to watch, and just watch them for the sake of a de-stress-er. Maybe I'll call Alyssa or somebody because I don't usually have the free time for a random phone call as I usually am multi-tasking (doing homework and IMing, cleaning and memorising choir songs, reading assignments while doing basic necessary hygeine tasks such as teethbrushing and hairtaming). But the problem with doing this is that I won't have my assignments finished, they'll just be hanging over me like one of those rainclouds in cartoons, dripping little puddles of guilt until I am forced into writing a halfway decent assignment while working on another assignment all the while backstage at church, waiting to sing... I guess today could have been a mental health day of sorts, but I didn't really pounce on the opportunity, and turned it into maybe a Student Work Day. Ah, well, it's only 4.16, right now. I still have time left to waste, if I should so choose.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/26/2004 04:17:00 PM:.
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::I have conquered Absalom. YES! I liked the story though it was hard to read. Beware, all of you sophomores who think it would be a good idea to take AP11. It is a great class, but beware the work. You can take this, and you can take it all, I'm sure...
I'm overstressed. I have too much going on, too many huge impending assignments, and too many insignificant worries, all mixed together. I will enjoy when March 3rd has passed. Right now, I just need a break. If I get too daydreamy-detached, as I do when I'm stressing/worrying which has become more and more frequent (or daydreaming, but that has become necessarily reduced as of late)... in that case someone help me out... make me pay attention. Or else I will close completely into my own world and become increasingly depressed. Withdrawing is how I cope with things, and it's bad, and I know it. But knowing it almost makes me do it more...::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/25/2004 09:17:00 PM:.
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::I wish I was part of the stars.
Odd as it may sound.
I wish to be outside myself sometime, to see myself from another perspective.
I wish to know what everyone thinks of me even though it isn't my driving factor in life.... I just wish I honestly, truly knew.
I wish I could be a part of something greater, some sort of ... big thing outside of my insignificant existance.
The world is so much greater than this.
Look up at the sky at night. Out, far out, far where you can truly see the stars.......
I am so insignificant.... Life is so big.... Love is so big, overreaching, I love and want love...
I wish I was part of the stars.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/23/2004 09:48:00 PM:.
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::I'm happy. I don't know why. Did I have a good day? Maybe. I'm just in a generally good mood. Feeling a bit wshyness.... Somehow I think SynChiro will guess my meaning from a never-before-said, never-again-said word... It describes the one slightly not-so-happy bit of me right now. It's just kind of sad... I don't know, I can't go there on a public blog....
But today was fun :-)

::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/20/2004 10:07:00 PM:.
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::Ah, I've been yet again caught up in the genius of Ellen Raskin while I should have been reading Absalom, Absalom. Though this time I'm reading it with a Whitesidean twist...::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/19/2004 09:54:00 PM:.

.::::.
::Echhh. What's up with the fact that I can hardly eat anything without my stomach going goofy... I'm partially lactose-intolerant, outside of vegetarianism I still can barely eat meat, and anything spicy will leave me feeling oofy. Except pepper, which I'm somewhat addicted to. However, I'm not going to rant on my digestive system, that's...wrong.
We had the college talk today. Lynn Marshall, who I know, was the speaker, and that was weird. This weekend I'll mention something to her. That was cool.
Ah, I'm filled with a strange want to help someone.. I'm not sure if it's someone in particular... It's completely weird, I feel like I want someone to confide in but as much as that, someone to confide in me...::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/19/2004 09:49:00 PM:.
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::I watched American Idol today and actually really enjoyed the show. I love music. Hopeless hopeless me, I love music, I love singing, I love composing... I love music.
I GET TO SING WITH CHERI KEAGGY THIS WEEKEND...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow. Okay. I will calm down now.
I love music.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/17/2004 08:59:00 PM:.
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::Ah, today I babysat for the Goodwins. I can honestly say I love that. Kevin, Krysia, and Paul always make me crack up. I am fully un-self-conscious with them, because they love and laugh, all for me. We played an improv game similar to Whose Line Party Quirks, or at least that's how it started out. And you know what, I'm in so much a better mood because little 3-year-old Paul smart kid, he's so hilarious, has these little bits of wisdom that make you go... wow! Because Krysia cracked up on my variations of the Nativity Scene and my problems as the underrated Slime Sister. Kevin as usual was Kevin being Kevin, in other words funny in this slightly gayish way, though he's only something like 9, maybe just 10. Yet we all love hanging out together. Krysia tried to convince me I wanted to homeschool again so I could babysit more, hahahahahahaha- it was cute. Four and a half hours and it seemed like no time at all. I usually, well I don't hate babysitting but it's not exactly my favourite activity... well, I usually am counting down the time till the parents get home, while today they came home early and I was thinking "oh, that's too bad"...

Attempting to think of why it is that I love babysitting for them, it finally struck my mind that they love me for me. They don't try to analyse me or think of me as dumb or silly or young or old or smart or anything at all, I'm Allison and that's what matters. I don't think about how what I do will affect their opinion of me. I don't worry about anything at all. And I never feel self-conscious. Ever.

Everyone needs a sanctuary like that... I mean, people you don't ever have to worry about. I even am concerned around my family, there are parts of myself I probably wouldn't show to my family who I trust a lot, but not completely.... I have a hard time trusting other people, so do I even need to go there.... yet I don't concern myself with the sort of trivial 'what ifs' while I'm around Kevin, Paul and Krysia. I don't know.... If that's the only place I can find that, I really don't trust the world do I? I don't know why I don't trust. I really don't. But thinking about it... maybe I do. I don't want to be vulnerable. To be completely open with someone would make me vulnerable and what if (there it is...) what if they violated my trust? What if they don't like the.. "real me"? What if I'm just freaking out over it all... what if there are people out there who will welcome me or like me or help me when I am feeling horrid but don't know how to say it... what if there is someone who will see me as me and not have a word of criticism..... I don't call people or go up to people because what if they don't like me, what if they are only acting like they tolerate me when really they don't like me and I'm just being annoying... I don't call people...ever... for the same reason as before, only multiplied... a phone conversation is in a way more personal, or maybe only in my mind...
What if someone is reading this and thinking I'm worrying or just talking to find a reaction or complaining or whiney or.... I could go on forever....


Here ends a true glimpse into the mind of Allison. I was much too open, browsing this before I post it, but what the hell. Spork that. I'm going to post anyway. So maybe I'll kick myself a million times for it, oh, I know I will. But I am going to click this button....
What if......... someone actually cared..........::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/15/2004 09:57:00 PM:.
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::Oh, I've just read the comments for my upset rage on age. In response... Flair: Normal age is, in my case, the age of my supposed peers, 16 or 17. Liz: Awww! Thanks! *hug* Nick: Oddly enough, I have had people (at school and other places) that I don't know asking me if I'm a senior or even a college student.... and another :-), thanks, and *hug* for the sheer niceness of it. Caroline: I was asked a direct question, because trust me, it is only one of, oh, every single aspect of myself I'm self-conscious about. See, the thing is, I'm just thinking... well not to turn down compliments or anything because.... oh gahh I'm tying myself in circles trying to figure out how to say it. What I mean to say, is that... oh crap, I can't figure it out. Never mind. I can't say it right..... I hate that.
There are so many things I'd say to people and I never will because I can't put it the right way, or I can't figure out exactly what their reaction will be and so I don't say it in order to save face. I am so easily intimidated it is not even funny. Ask anyone who has been near me when something was maybe just a little intimidating. I shut down and... ghh. I hate that too. But if only I could have no self-consciousness at all, my life would be so much different.
And I know exactly what I'd say.
But I know I'm never going to.
Why, I wonder.... Why is it so, so, so, SO HARD to do the simplest things? Maybe its the fact that they're only simple on the outside but the complexities within are the turning point....
Stream of consciousness writing. Isn't it odd stream-of-consciousness has a same word as self-consciousness, which is something I would change about myself if given only one chance? I think stream-of-consciousness is interesting and fun which is why this blog is so jumpity confusing word changing subject changing feeling changing.
I still keep thinking back to the fact I can't really say too much. I've only got a few things I wanted to say, in a password-protected file on my computer. That I will NEVER say. Again reverting to the intimidated thing, on my second day at northwest I had all these troubles revolving around my schedule and a mistake by mrs brown and I had nowhere to go for a class and the only person who I could go to, I was bouncing back between someone in the guidance counselors office and Joyce who is not an encouraging person to be around, really, when you're confused and freaked out by the immensity of something that's not so immense, but rather something you've never had to deal with before, and then I went to the main office, and all in all I was sent to jazz dance, which I am glad I have now, and at least three people think I'm overly emotional when in fact I was just so overwhelmed, overwhelmed by school, which I hadn't attended in this sense in a long time (college is so incredibly different) and people who didn't know what they were doing and overwhelmed by not knowing what I was going to be doing and having to come out of my shell and just explain my new-ness to teachers etc, and I was much too worried about the trivial things which occasionally still bother me. And that was a faulkner sentence unintentional, and a long bizarre talk on absolutely nothing. Joyce still treats me , I don't know , with caution, I think, maybe thinking I'm way emotional which anyone who knows me well will know isn't true, at least I don't think it is, I don't really cry, ever.... But that was an incident which impacted me too much and really made me notice my own insecurities and bad qualities ever so much more.
If anyone actually made it through this blabber of Allison-thought, I congratulate you. It's so insignificant, I realise, that other people would even bother to read it and think about it. It's just so nice to just rant and mention problems, and by explaining my thoughts to myself it allows me to feel so much better.
I'm sure there's so many syntax errors in this full entry, especially considering the stream-of-consciousness quick-typing tired-thinking mood I was in during writing it.
But who cares. I'm not getting an AP essay score on it.... (I still can't believe I got a 6... a 6! That's awful! GHH!!)


Valentines day will be boring. I have nothing to do special, not that I would because what holiday is valentines day without having a boyfriend which is not something that I'd expect anyway, I mean that someone would like me (hahaha, like that's going to happen) that is that person I like and its all perfect. Oh, blessed are you that have that....
________________________________________________
(I've always liked the idea of a section like this)....
Mood: Contemplative
Music: My Immortal (great song great song..)
Quote of the Day (ok, maybe of a couple weeks ago):"The year is 2027. There is a statue outside a corporate building of a baby turtle. There is a never-ending intercom announcement filled with clips of Paul Merton on WLiiA? and HIGNFY. As you look up the dark building, only one room has light shining through it. That is the office of the master."~Floppy, in inside jokey IDIOT thing, but I still think it's hilarious... Referring to me. HAHAHA!::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/13/2004 10:24:00 PM:.
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::Ahh, I feel like ranting now. I have decided I hate Valentine's Day. It only reminds me how single I am. Which, if you ask me, is crap. It's one thing to have people I can (almost) trust. I still hate talking to people about my problems because I feel like I'm complaining to them and that's always bad. A relationship is quite different......
But I am not going to be unhappy now, I'm determined. Having read over some of my previous blogginesses, I am stunned by my complete lack of... optimism. I am generally pretty optimistic, at least I've always tried to be, but when I feel really bad about something, I rant about it and it turns into... this. Where's a person I can rant to... blogs don't reply. But their complete indifference is also helpful in a way. I think I just committed grammer suicide, but for once I don't care. That's something I'm usually nitpicky on, but I'm not going to be right now.
Hmm...today...Theatre was fun, we did morality improvs, which are I suppose anything but moral. Jazz was... jazz, we are working on our dances for the concert. Chemistry, as always- [C][Ra][P]. I'm so pleased with myself that I came up with a way to use those elements in a way I find ironic- I wonder if there's some sort of chemical formula with those elements. It doesn't matter, I'm too tired to worry about it anyway.
Since Saturday, I've had 16 hours of sleep. Total. I should be completely exhausted and want to go to bed right now. But I don't. I still have Absalom, Absalom! to read and a couple chapters of history to review, although I actually am optimistic about my chances on the history quiz for once, because I feel I know this stuff pretty well now.
I think I was going somewhere with explaining the different parts of my day. I don't remember what I was trying to accomplish though, so I think I will end it here.

There, I finished my attempt at a cheerful, happy blog entry. It's not depressing. It's not...deep. No looking into my own psyche, I guess. But it worked... ::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/11/2004 09:13:00 PM:.
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::Okay okay I did it. I said how old I was. Maybe it's stupid for me to have wanted to keep it a secret. Not that I think it's some big awful thing, it's just that, well, I don't want people to treat me any different. Which has happened to me before. It's not an irrational fear...
Alright! I admit it! It IS stupid to be worried that people will know how old I am and treat me differently! I admit I'm 14 (almost 15, though) and I admit it was really ridiculous for me to have been worried about it before! As of today no one had too much of a reaction past the *staring* that was......strange. But...gahh! I do hate it, I really do. I. HATE. it.
So it's silly to hate it so much, its 'not that big a deal' I guess. That doesn't change that I hate it and wish I was... well not perfectly normal, that'd be boring.... but more normal, I suppose... normal age at least. Then, ironic as it may seem, I wouldn't feel so stupid.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/10/2004 08:32:00 PM:.
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::I'm so tired of this.

Maybe I like him. Maybe I don't. I don't know. Do I care? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm feeling foolishly apathetic about the whole thing. Maybe I don't want to like anyone. Maybe I wish to be hopelessly in love. Maybe I think he's the right one. Maybe I don't, and that's why he might catch my eye.

I don't do feelings.

Is it wrong to hate to feel? Emotion can cause so much pain and getting too emotional about things or people just causes confusion. I don't want to get too close to people because I'm afraid I will get torn away, will leave. Or that I will be rejected.

I'm absolutely terrified of being rejected. I don't go to people much... I wait for them to come to me. I'm terrified everyone will hate me. I don't know if anyone does like me, or if they tolerate me... I'm afraid I complain too much, that in these completely honest, hard-to-write rants others will read in that I'm asking for something or that I'm whiney. I'm afraid that I will come across like someone I don't like.. it doesn't matter who, pick a random annoying person. I am terrified of being thought of like that. But I can't force myself into someone I'm not, and I don't want to. I just want to be accepted for who I am and not have to worry about whether what I say will come across as trivial and pointless or not.

Sometimes I find myself stepping back from people because I'm scared. I will act busy, start doing a random task or pretend to do a random task to avoid talking to someone I want to talk to in the first place. I don't know why... it's contradictory but I.... I avoid talking in person because I'm scared I'm being an idiot.

Gahhhhhhh... I am done with this blabbering now. I'm being too honest.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/09/2004 10:16:00 PM:.
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::I see love everywhere I look. Valentines Day is a bizarre, twisted invention of a holiday, to celebrate for people who have found, at least for right now, maybe not tomorrow but right now, true love. I look at blogs and find traces or full-on rants about love and special-ness and what the hell. Sure it's lovely, I guess, if you're the one experiencing it. I'm not jealous because I am not searching for love, and only love, I'm searching for friendship and trust and truth. Is that so weird?
I read through my last rant. Lord, I sound conceited, after closer examination. Like, Whoa, I was this perfect little person with a perfect little life and boo-hoo, it's not perfect anymore what will I do? Like some sort of rich kid who's daddy isn't making a million a year but now only a quarter of a million and he must withdraw his promise of a Rolls-Royce and is now buying a Jag. I mean, it just sounds stupid. Really dumb. I would take it off, except I've kind of made a promise to myself not to delete anything I've written because sometimes old writing produces a spark of new inspiration. But it was still a stupid post.
I'm jumping from subject to subject and pessimistic on it all, I guess. So I should sign off now before I just become a complainer and boring and whiney. And I don't want to be a complainer. So I'll go sulk in my room instead of complaining to anyone who will listen, and turn up Rick's This Is Your Life really loud....
::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/08/2004 03:10:00 PM:.
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::Testing a new comment system, as old wasn't working. So, all other comments had to be deleted :-/.
Wow, I read Liz's blog entry for today. I would say I really feel your pain, except my position isn't near the same.
I'm used to being good. The best. At everything I do. I'm not trying to sound conceited, I am just used to being good at what I do. Coming to Northwest and discovering people who are so much smarter than me, so much better than me at singing, so much better than me at theatre, it sucks. Getting something other than an A on my report card (something I had experienced before three times, ever, in my life, including at community college, and those were Bs), singing and hearing the person next to me sounding so much better, feeling stupid around people who I admire their intelligence (ironic, how I can never remember how to spell 'intelligence')- all of it is new to me. It's one thing to get a B on my report card while I'm confident about other things I'm doing in my life or being surrounded with several close friends who can reassure me- that was my life before this year, before North Carolina. It's so different here. I can deal with being friends with people who are much smarter than me. I like that, it's always good to surround yourself with people who can teach you things. It's only when I start to feel that whatever I do I can't measure up, whatever I do I will never have the basic reputation I've had everywhere else, that's when I close into myself, that's when I withdraw, that's when I start to hate myself. I'm still the quiet new person here ("Oh, she's nice") and that... that's something I really hate. I mean, I'm not at all used to being the nice person. I'm used to giving advice and being the person to come to when you need help. I'm not used to the person having self-esteem issues, and wanting to just talk to someone without having to feel like I'm dumping my problems on them; I'm not used to wanting to talk to someone about doubting myself and feeling stupid. I'm not used to confiding. I don't necessarily trust people- I've never felt I needed to, and when I do, I think I've just sounded whiney or annoying or complain-y.
I've always have friends. But I've never felt I needed friends, I guess. Never needed to talk.
But maybe I do now?






Quizilla:

Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone
to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't
been in much relationships or you need to work
on how to handle them. You always seem lost in
a daydream about the person you care about
most.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla
::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/06/2004 07:28:00 PM:.
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::Well, this week has been uneventful. I did poorly on the first quizzes in English AP, mainly considering I hadn't read Absalom, Absalom at all. But the second time I may have passed. I hope. Tomorrow will be boring, I guess, but oh well, it will be Friday. And Fridays are just sporky.
I hate, hate, HATE, doing something or saying something, or not saying something, that I will regret later. Was stupid on Wednesday. Twice, actually. Well, more than that, but two instances remain in my mind. WHY AM I SO STUPID?!?!?! Agghhhh!!! I don't think before I do things or say things and I should. Otherwise I wouldn't regret things so much.
Maybe it'd be nice to be ignorant. To say dumb things and not realise it. To have people dislike you and not care. Then again, I know people like that who I don't like to be around and avoid them like the plague. But it would be nice. Especially considering all the things I can think of that I've done to make people dislike me. Accidentally. But it would seem so...
Why do I beat myself up over this? Why do I even care if anyone likes me?

Human nature, I guess. But I wish it wasn't so...overwhelming.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/05/2004 05:11:00 PM:.
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::Yay! I won IDIOT of the Month, of February. Which is, if it's even necessary, proof that I really have no life outside of AIM and the IDIOTboards. Oh, how sad. But I'm actually very pleased with this honour. So I'm going to go, content, to sleep, and will reconsider my lack of a life tomorrow.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/02/2004 09:16:00 PM:.
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