.::::.
::I'm so tired of this.

Maybe I like him. Maybe I don't. I don't know. Do I care? Maybe. Maybe not. I'm feeling foolishly apathetic about the whole thing. Maybe I don't want to like anyone. Maybe I wish to be hopelessly in love. Maybe I think he's the right one. Maybe I don't, and that's why he might catch my eye.

I don't do feelings.

Is it wrong to hate to feel? Emotion can cause so much pain and getting too emotional about things or people just causes confusion. I don't want to get too close to people because I'm afraid I will get torn away, will leave. Or that I will be rejected.

I'm absolutely terrified of being rejected. I don't go to people much... I wait for them to come to me. I'm terrified everyone will hate me. I don't know if anyone does like me, or if they tolerate me... I'm afraid I complain too much, that in these completely honest, hard-to-write rants others will read in that I'm asking for something or that I'm whiney. I'm afraid that I will come across like someone I don't like.. it doesn't matter who, pick a random annoying person. I am terrified of being thought of like that. But I can't force myself into someone I'm not, and I don't want to. I just want to be accepted for who I am and not have to worry about whether what I say will come across as trivial and pointless or not.

Sometimes I find myself stepping back from people because I'm scared. I will act busy, start doing a random task or pretend to do a random task to avoid talking to someone I want to talk to in the first place. I don't know why... it's contradictory but I.... I avoid talking in person because I'm scared I'm being an idiot.

Gahhhhhhh... I am done with this blabbering now. I'm being too honest.::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/09/2004 10:16:00 PM:.
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