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::I don't want to say it or think it. And jealousy... oh, jealousy is not only the green-eyed monster, it's a wretched thing, that leads you to being perfectly miserable with yourself, with your self-esteem, with your self-worth. Enough so you want to be so far away from it all, because it isn't worth it, and yet, you are pressed to continue for no reason other than something, something draws you to it.
And then again, there's also the feeling of being alone, of being left out. You try what you can and present yourself in almost a vulnerable state, when you know you're alone and other people do too, on the inside, but seem to have no outward recognition of it. And it's so hard to break into a group or get to know people, well, when they have other friends they've known forever. That's one thing I hate about moving. Sure, it's fun to know more things and more people. But you're not going to find that, I've-known-you-forever-type friend. The type of friend you call when you're tired or bored who knows everything, can tell by anything you say how you feel. I've only been blessed with one friend who knows what I think before I do, almost... a for-life friend. Everyone else, everyone in Charlotte, its, Oh, you're nice, I like you, and then when it comes to doing something, I know I'm not on the top of anyone's list. What the hell. I shouldn't have to try to be friends. I don't want to work for friends... I want to be able to take friends for granted. Like EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO...
I am never going to take anyone for granted again. Ever.

I suppose I've learned to appreciate people. Kind gestures. Friendliness.
If only I had more of a chance to extend that.

And now I'm boo-hooing like some abject, torn, sitting-in-the-middle-of-grayness-sobbing, sorry for myself... the kind of person that bugs me. I'm not begging for anything. I'm not sitting at the computer thinking, Oh, poor me, I have no friends, waah. I'm just feeling a bit detached, from my life, and after careful consideration... it seems lonely.
I don't feel lonely.
But from an almost outsider point, it seems very lonely.
Loneliness. Outside of a kind gesture greeting or conversation or brief moment of fun..... loneliness.

::

.:Arakatze blogged on 1/17/2004 11:21:00 PM:.
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