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::Ah, today I babysat for the Goodwins. I can honestly say I love that. Kevin, Krysia, and Paul always make me crack up. I am fully un-self-conscious with them, because they love and laugh, all for me. We played an improv game similar to Whose Line Party Quirks, or at least that's how it started out. And you know what, I'm in so much a better mood because little 3-year-old Paul smart kid, he's so hilarious, has these little bits of wisdom that make you go... wow! Because Krysia cracked up on my variations of the Nativity Scene and my problems as the underrated Slime Sister. Kevin as usual was Kevin being Kevin, in other words funny in this slightly gayish way, though he's only something like 9, maybe just 10. Yet we all love hanging out together. Krysia tried to convince me I wanted to homeschool again so I could babysit more, hahahahahahaha- it was cute. Four and a half hours and it seemed like no time at all. I usually, well I don't hate babysitting but it's not exactly my favourite activity... well, I usually am counting down the time till the parents get home, while today they came home early and I was thinking "oh, that's too bad"...

Attempting to think of why it is that I love babysitting for them, it finally struck my mind that they love me for me. They don't try to analyse me or think of me as dumb or silly or young or old or smart or anything at all, I'm Allison and that's what matters. I don't think about how what I do will affect their opinion of me. I don't worry about anything at all. And I never feel self-conscious. Ever.

Everyone needs a sanctuary like that... I mean, people you don't ever have to worry about. I even am concerned around my family, there are parts of myself I probably wouldn't show to my family who I trust a lot, but not completely.... I have a hard time trusting other people, so do I even need to go there.... yet I don't concern myself with the sort of trivial 'what ifs' while I'm around Kevin, Paul and Krysia. I don't know.... If that's the only place I can find that, I really don't trust the world do I? I don't know why I don't trust. I really don't. But thinking about it... maybe I do. I don't want to be vulnerable. To be completely open with someone would make me vulnerable and what if (there it is...) what if they violated my trust? What if they don't like the.. "real me"? What if I'm just freaking out over it all... what if there are people out there who will welcome me or like me or help me when I am feeling horrid but don't know how to say it... what if there is someone who will see me as me and not have a word of criticism..... I don't call people or go up to people because what if they don't like me, what if they are only acting like they tolerate me when really they don't like me and I'm just being annoying... I don't call people...ever... for the same reason as before, only multiplied... a phone conversation is in a way more personal, or maybe only in my mind...
What if someone is reading this and thinking I'm worrying or just talking to find a reaction or complaining or whiney or.... I could go on forever....


Here ends a true glimpse into the mind of Allison. I was much too open, browsing this before I post it, but what the hell. Spork that. I'm going to post anyway. So maybe I'll kick myself a million times for it, oh, I know I will. But I am going to click this button....
What if......... someone actually cared..........::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/15/2004 09:57:00 PM:.
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