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::Oh, I've just read the comments for my upset rage on age. In response... Flair: Normal age is, in my case, the age of my supposed peers, 16 or 17. Liz: Awww! Thanks! *hug* Nick: Oddly enough, I have had people (at school and other places) that I don't know asking me if I'm a senior or even a college student.... and another :-), thanks, and *hug* for the sheer niceness of it. Caroline: I was asked a direct question, because trust me, it is only one of, oh, every single aspect of myself I'm self-conscious about. See, the thing is, I'm just thinking... well not to turn down compliments or anything because.... oh gahh I'm tying myself in circles trying to figure out how to say it. What I mean to say, is that... oh crap, I can't figure it out. Never mind. I can't say it right..... I hate that.
There are so many things I'd say to people and I never will because I can't put it the right way, or I can't figure out exactly what their reaction will be and so I don't say it in order to save face. I am so easily intimidated it is not even funny. Ask anyone who has been near me when something was maybe just a little intimidating. I shut down and... ghh. I hate that too. But if only I could have no self-consciousness at all, my life would be so much different.
And I know exactly what I'd say.
But I know I'm never going to.
Why, I wonder.... Why is it so, so, so, SO HARD to do the simplest things? Maybe its the fact that they're only simple on the outside but the complexities within are the turning point....
Stream of consciousness writing. Isn't it odd stream-of-consciousness has a same word as self-consciousness, which is something I would change about myself if given only one chance? I think stream-of-consciousness is interesting and fun which is why this blog is so jumpity confusing word changing subject changing feeling changing.
I still keep thinking back to the fact I can't really say too much. I've only got a few things I wanted to say, in a password-protected file on my computer. That I will NEVER say. Again reverting to the intimidated thing, on my second day at northwest I had all these troubles revolving around my schedule and a mistake by mrs brown and I had nowhere to go for a class and the only person who I could go to, I was bouncing back between someone in the guidance counselors office and Joyce who is not an encouraging person to be around, really, when you're confused and freaked out by the immensity of something that's not so immense, but rather something you've never had to deal with before, and then I went to the main office, and all in all I was sent to jazz dance, which I am glad I have now, and at least three people think I'm overly emotional when in fact I was just so overwhelmed, overwhelmed by school, which I hadn't attended in this sense in a long time (college is so incredibly different) and people who didn't know what they were doing and overwhelmed by not knowing what I was going to be doing and having to come out of my shell and just explain my new-ness to teachers etc, and I was much too worried about the trivial things which occasionally still bother me. And that was a faulkner sentence unintentional, and a long bizarre talk on absolutely nothing. Joyce still treats me , I don't know , with caution, I think, maybe thinking I'm way emotional which anyone who knows me well will know isn't true, at least I don't think it is, I don't really cry, ever.... But that was an incident which impacted me too much and really made me notice my own insecurities and bad qualities ever so much more.
If anyone actually made it through this blabber of Allison-thought, I congratulate you. It's so insignificant, I realise, that other people would even bother to read it and think about it. It's just so nice to just rant and mention problems, and by explaining my thoughts to myself it allows me to feel so much better.
I'm sure there's so many syntax errors in this full entry, especially considering the stream-of-consciousness quick-typing tired-thinking mood I was in during writing it.
But who cares. I'm not getting an AP essay score on it.... (I still can't believe I got a 6... a 6! That's awful! GHH!!)


Valentines day will be boring. I have nothing to do special, not that I would because what holiday is valentines day without having a boyfriend which is not something that I'd expect anyway, I mean that someone would like me (hahaha, like that's going to happen) that is that person I like and its all perfect. Oh, blessed are you that have that....
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(I've always liked the idea of a section like this)....
Mood: Contemplative
Music: My Immortal (great song great song..)
Quote of the Day (ok, maybe of a couple weeks ago):"The year is 2027. There is a statue outside a corporate building of a baby turtle. There is a never-ending intercom announcement filled with clips of Paul Merton on WLiiA? and HIGNFY. As you look up the dark building, only one room has light shining through it. That is the office of the master."~Floppy, in inside jokey IDIOT thing, but I still think it's hilarious... Referring to me. HAHAHA!::

.:Arakatze blogged on 2/13/2004 10:24:00 PM:.
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