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::Testing a new comment system, as old wasn't working. So, all other comments had to be deleted :-/.
Wow, I read Liz's blog entry for today. I would say I really feel your pain, except my position isn't near the same.
I'm used to being good. The best. At everything I do. I'm not trying to sound conceited, I am just used to being good at what I do. Coming to Northwest and discovering people who are so much smarter than me, so much better than me at singing, so much better than me at theatre, it sucks. Getting something other than an A on my report card (something I had experienced before three times, ever, in my life, including at community college, and those were Bs), singing and hearing the person next to me sounding so much better, feeling stupid around people who I admire their intelligence (ironic, how I can never remember how to spell 'intelligence')- all of it is new to me. It's one thing to get a B on my report card while I'm confident about other things I'm doing in my life or being surrounded with several close friends who can reassure me- that was my life before this year, before North Carolina. It's so different here. I can deal with being friends with people who are much smarter than me. I like that, it's always good to surround yourself with people who can teach you things. It's only when I start to feel that whatever I do I can't measure up, whatever I do I will never have the basic reputation I've had everywhere else, that's when I close into myself, that's when I withdraw, that's when I start to hate myself. I'm still the quiet new person here ("Oh, she's nice") and that... that's something I really hate. I mean, I'm not at all used to being the nice person. I'm used to giving advice and being the person to come to when you need help. I'm not used to the person having self-esteem issues, and wanting to just talk to someone without having to feel like I'm dumping my problems on them; I'm not used to wanting to talk to someone about doubting myself and feeling stupid. I'm not used to confiding. I don't necessarily trust people- I've never felt I needed to, and when I do, I think I've just sounded whiney or annoying or complain-y.
I've always have friends. But I've never felt I needed friends, I guess. Never needed to talk.
But maybe I do now?
Quizilla:
Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't been in much relationships or you need to work on how to handle them. You always seem lost in a daydream about the person you care about most.
name: arakatze
quote:"I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot, overwhelmed with a single thought: That's what I want for my life: To be caught up in the sweep of history. To be in the center of things. To be making a difference. To be at the heart of the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil. My heart was almost breaking at the thought of a life of insignificance."
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