.::::.
::"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeneres.

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemorrhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
W.C.Fields

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde

"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman.

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan.

"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper

"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard

"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
Oscar Wilde

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
W.C.Fields

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
George Burns

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’."
Homer Simpson

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
Winston Churchill

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx

"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."
Top chef Raymond Blanc

"It's OK for him to prance about in the kitchen spending hours cooking, but I bet he doesn't have to juggle picking up the kids from school and running a house."
An un-named mother's response to M. Blanc.

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
Albert Einstein

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
Stephen King

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain

"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
::

.:Arakatze blogged on 4/15/2004 01:09:00 PM:.
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