.::a confessional of sorts::.
::Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier were I just not alive at all. Life just has a way of being confusing.
And by life I do mean me.

Serious Times is a great book. Read it. Now. I'm so glad I bought it. Here's one of my favourite quotes:
"I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot, overwhelmed with a single thought: That's what I want for my life: To be caught up in the sweep of history. To be in the center of things. To be making a difference. To be at the heart of the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil. My heart was almost breaking at the thought of a life of insignificance."
(~James Emery White)
That part really spoke to me... because I feel that, whenever I read a good book, see a good adventure movie, (particularly the star wars saga when I was about 9 or 10, that was when it really hit me... oddly the same saga that P.Jim is referring to in this quote, the inspiration for feeling..) or hear a good hero story... I wish to be like that.
One thing I fear most is to be forgotten.
I know I move a lot. I think the nicest card in the whole world that anyone could ever get, I got from Janet Violi when I moved away from Michigan. In it, she said that she was glad she had gotten to know my family and me, and that maybe God was moving us around so much so we could touch the lives of people like her, people that knew me...
I was so incredibly touched by that card.
I truly am scared of being forgotten.
As selfish as it sounds, I really, really hope Rick mentions/does something about my last weekend...why? partially because I hate feeling insignificant, or a sidethought, or... oh, I don't know, my mind is too complicated for me to figure out so much of the time.

Oh, and after watching Monk, I realise how many obsessive-compulsive tendencies I have. Just sad.
I don't know that I've ever gone through and told this to anyone, ever... for about two years, age maybe 11-13 at worst, but certainly pushing through to 14, I was extremely obsessive-compulsive. I had to wash my hands a certain way at certain times, had to recite certain prayers to myself at certain times of the day and after certain events, or something for sure would happen, something horrible. After a while, the prayers, which really weren't prayers in the sense that I pray now but more of just a chant, a mantra, they became so time-consuming that it actually became an issue. I became extremely phobic of two things: dying and throwing up. I have no idea why, since for both of these worrying has no effect, but I was (and still am, though not to the same extent) absolutely terrified. Stayed up all night crying thinking about it. I developed a bad stomach problem that could possibly have developed into something worse, and had to visit several doctors and even make a hospital visit. I couldn't exactly tell anyone what was exactly wrong- "I think that it's because I'm so scared of throwing up that I actually bring myself to the brink of throwing up because of worrying"... does that even make sense? I think not. And little by little I started to get over it- first I shortened the mantra-chant-prayer-things, and eventually managed to not feel excessively guilty when forgetting. One major downfall that I remember, made it all ten times worse, was September 11th. I had forgotten one of the major safety night prayer sections, and tried to think nothing of it when I fell asleep. And then I woke up to find the country in turmoil and planes hitting buildings, my brother woke me up after the first one... I can say that I never forgot anything again, and doubled or tripled my sections, for about a year afterward. Thank God, I think I'm pretty over this now. I no longer have to do the chants or wash my hands in a certain way (though I'm fairly anal about always washing my hands) and I no longer feel like I must take full responsibility for the world's problems. There's nothing I can do. I'm still terrified of dying, yes. I won't take any risks, really... I worry myself of all the worst-case scenarios that would most likely never happen... and I still am extremely throwing-up-phobic... but that's okay, I don't have the same worry stomachaches or anything like that. I am very particular about some things (like math and chemistry homework being perfect... sadly I turned in a pre-cal assignment late because it was all messy and had to be fixed...) but not so particular that it could really cause me harm of any sort...
I have no idea why I felt the need to say that.
Well? It's out there now. That's something no one knows about me. My parents, my friends, no one... until now, I guess, if I even post this. I'm optimistic, happy, not the type to be drawn into a vicious worry-disorder... I've escaped the trap, mostly.
I've read up on anxiety, phobias, OCD, and various other related psychological topics. Of course I now realise how crazy all of that is, but sometimes for safe measure I occasionally repeat a prayer...

Sorry for the painfully long entry. There's other things I need to think through, but I'm not putting it on my public blog...ohmygodimsuchanidiotsometimes...something is preventing me from what I want and that is emotion, but without emotion, how would I know what I wanted...

And yeah. I think that maybe that should be out there. The vicious cycle of anxiety that I still struggle with but not to the extent that I did before. Alyssa, my life is nowhere near perfect. Actually, any of those sadly mistaken people who thought my life is preferable to theirs, think again. We all have our own problems. I'm still glad I'm the person I am today and proud of overcoming my own personal obstacle with no help from the outside world. I am glad to be Allison weird and all, smart and sometimes downright idiotic, anxious and scared, happy and exuberant, Meck-loving Nemo-loving WLiiA-loving Just a Minute-loving laugh-loving fun-loving smile-loving...me-loving.
I guess that's a strong personal conviction.

Of course, that's the independant thought. Bring in people, and things can be a little different....

But...yeah...that's it...
a confessional of sorts..::

.:Arakatze blogged on 6/18/2004 10:25:00 PM:.
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